Laid-Off Lady

Going Perm

2009-05-09T09:02:00.000-07:00

Haiku Tunnel really is a terrible movie, but there are snippets of it that I enjoyed enough to replay in my head once in awhile, especially now that I'm temping (the movie is all about writer Josh Kornbluth's struggle to both hold down his temp job while completing his novel).

The piece of dialog I currently have stuck in my head is as follows:

CREEPY, STONE-EYED OFFICE MANAGER: Josh, would you like to go...perm?

Cut to Josh, a real live writer, played by himself, looking both elated ("Josh, the company will pay for your psychotherapy") and terrified at the idea of being trapped in a cubicle for more than a couple of months.

Sometimes I wonder whether the place at which I'm temping will offer me a permanent position. The other day, the two highest-of-higher-ups cornered me in the elevator and asked me,

"So, how do you like working here?"

"Um, I like it," I responded, truthfully, I might add. "I really do."

"Well, we like having you here," they said, their eyes transfixed on my own.

There have been other instances when the big boss has made remarks about how many of the company's staff members started out there by temping or working part-time. "Who knows, maybe one of you will join our staff," he'll say, turning slowly towards us temps, volunteers, and consultants.

I'm like Josh in this situation. On one hand, it would be great to start working again, to stop worrying about where my next paycheck is coming from, to not have to spend my weekends writing cover letter after cover letter.

But at the same time, I don't want to settle. Taking this job would probably mean taking a significant pay cut compared to what I received for my last permanent position, as well as going back into a field in which I'm no longer so sure I belong. I hate to admit it, but part of me wants to be unemployed again: free to figure things out and pursue my own independent goals.

I guess you could say I'm a little mixed up. I feel a bit guilty--beggars can't be choosers, after all--but I also want to follow my heart. Whether that will lead me in the right direction, however...totally hard to tell.

You know, maybe it's been to long since I've seen Haiku Tunnel. Perhaps it's a better movie than I remember. I think I ought to go rent it. I'm sure it would really resonate with me today!

Resume Magic

2009-05-03T15:17:00.001-07:00

About a month after I was laid off, my former employer sent me this book. At first I took the gesture as a bit of a "slap in the face," but now I realize this reaction was just my pride getting to me ...as usual. Now I'm grateful for the gift. It truly helped me to improve my resume by leaps and bounds. I never realized how awful my resume really was until reading Resume Magic. Yipes! I mean, I knew it wasn't stellar in terms of format, but I didn't know it was mediocre in terms of everything!

A few of the things it taught me:

-Your resume is not about what you did in the past, it's about what you will do for the company to which you're applying.

-Layout. I really had no idea how to create one of those resumes that looks good before you even begin to read it.

-How to sell yourself in any situation. In other words, how to come across as a qualified applicant whether you're a recent grad, were fired or laid-off, have been out of work for years, are transferring into a completely different field, etc.

-Not to hold back. I think my previous resume was too modest. I was afraid of coming on too strong. How was that going to land me a job, though? Give me a break!

The book is chock full of excellent examples. I'm finally proud to show people my resume. Obviously, I highly recommend this read. It's actually entertaining, too! You can find it here, on Amazon, for a price even laid-off folks like us can afford.

Temping

2009-05-03T14:55:00.000-07:00

About a month ago I took on a temp job. It doesn't feel like I've been there nearly a month, probably because I went into it with the mindset that I would only be with the organization I short while. It's the kind of work I used to do...the kind of work I'm looking to do full-time, actually...but after being without a job for four months, I have to say, going back to the daily grind is pretty difficult.

I don't make much more than I did on unemployment, especially after taxes, but at least having this job will help out my resume, give me some more networking contacts, and allow me two more months on unemployment, should I need them. For all this, I am grateful.

My panic attacks have become far less frequent now that I am working, and this is a good thing, as well, of course! Not just because I feel more sane and secure, but because I'm spending less on prescription drugs!

But what I'm finding I must not have missed is:

A lack of time to devote to my own personal projects
The inevitable afternoon desk job slump
Wishing the general workspace was not so cluttered, dusty, musty, etc.
The back pain that comes from tippity tapping on a computer for hours on end
Feeling so mentally drained upon returning home
The commute!!
Waking up so gosh darn early

At the same time, however, I am nervous about going back on unemployment. Is this a lose-lose situation? I think I need an attitude change...

Panic Attacks

2009-03-23T17:02:00.001-07:00

Shortly after I was laid off, I began experiencing panic attacks.

I knew what they were, as I had been to the doctor with similar symptoms before. I'd experienced panic attacks during two other periods of my life: whenever we had to play volleyball in junior high gym class, and in 2002 when I was working as a barista at a neighborhood coffee shop (I'm still not sure why pouring espresso caused me so much anxiety).

After being laid off, my panic attacks were faint at first. They presented themselves as tingly bursts of butterflies flapping through my veins merely every once in awhile. But by the time 2009 rolled around, I had reached a point where several times a day I could barely breathe, think straight, stand upright, or refrain from feeling a terrifying sense of doom for stretches of ten minutes or more.

The attacks were worse towards the end of the business day. Whenever 3:00 rolled around I would fret, "Oh no, I must do something productive! What will I have to show for myself by 5:00?" Eventually, I would feel as if I were disintegrating. It was as if that without a job, I was nothing, doomed to simply vaporize.

Today, I'm being prescribed Clonazepam for what my doctor refers to as "Severe Panic Disorder." The term doesn't totally sit well with me, I must say. I mean, I'm not passing out like Tony Soprano over here, and isn't a "disorder" something to which a person is predisposed? Still, "You're experiencing 11 out of of the 13 required symptoms," my doctor had explained. I shrugged my shoulders and popped the pills.

At first, I felt I was cheating by taking pills to help with the attacks. "Obviously this is due to my having issues with being out of work," I told my therapist. "It's something I need to learn to work out on my own." However, now that I've been taking the Clonazepam for several weeks, I realize there's no reason why I can't work out these issues while not having the attacks. I must say, I am feeling much better.

Still out of a job, though!

My Silver Lining

2009-03-23T16:59:00.000-07:00

Photo credit: Lisa5576

There truly is a silver lining to being laid off, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't just a tad giddy at the prospect of taking some much needed time off work. Of course, I didn't know I would be taking so much much needed time!

In any case ...

I think most laid off workers' silver linings arrive in the form of free time. Obviously, it is what you do with that free time that can truly turn a pink slip into a blessing. Had I not been laid off, I wouldn't have had the time to:

Learn Romanian, my husband's native language
Teach myself to make jewelry using wire and beads (who knew there was a crafty girl hiding inside this out-of-work vessel!)
Reacquaint myself with the wonders of New York City, which my full-time-job had given me too many reasons to ignore
Start a successful wedding blog (you can find it at budgetbride.tumblr.com) as well as do a better job keeping up with my other freelance writing projects
Keep the apartment nice and tidy
Start reading again
Spend more time with friends

I guess you could say there's a lot to be grateful for, in spite of it all. In fact, some days, I'm pleased I lost my job! But other days, the dolldrums take over ...boy, do they take over.

I'll save that idea for a less positive post. Let's not ruin a good thing here.

You Never Think it Could Happen to You ...

2009-03-23T16:55:00.000-07:00

It was November, 2008, and while folks were being laid off left and right, I never thought it would happen to me. For some reason, I had the idea that working for a nonprofit meant I was safe. In my mind, the only victims of lay-offs were ever factory workers and financial group employees. This misconception held up at first, as for months, the only sad stories that made their way to my office featured recent graduates working at Lehman Brothers and Merrill Lynch. I would slowly shake my head as I took in their tales of woe, feeling both sympathetic and entertained, like a Dr. Phil enthusiast.

I could have accurately read the signs, had I not been so naive. For the past several months, things had been going strangely at work. Projects were being plucked from my hands and meetings were being held behind my back. A less seasoned version of myself would have been afraid she wasn't meeting organization standards. But by that time, I was a razor-backed worker-on-speed who couldn't help but be confident that she was more than up to snuff. So then what did I think about the curious new way the higher ups were treating me? Well, I suppose at the time I simply hought they'd gone mad!

Growing up in the 1980's and 90's, I never thought the term "pink slip" would hit even remotely close to home. The concept of "The American Dream" had been instilled in me as if it were as solid a piece of history as the landing at Plymouth Rock. I figured that if you studied hard, worked hard, and stayed away from the drugs, you'd never find yourself jobless.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Well, here I am.